Bad Humor
by Katryna Black
Summary: Snape gives Hermione detention. Surprise pairings, selfinsertion of sorts, MarySue mentionings, and slash implications.


**Title:** Bad Humor

**Author:** Katryna Black

**Rating:** PG-13 because of the f-bomb and sexual implications… _and leather_

**Ships:** SURPRISE!!

**Summary:** Snape gives Hermione detention. Surprised, ne?

**Disclaimer:** Not mine. All characters owned by JKR and WB.

**Notes:** For a contest on livejournal. Theme was detention, all pairings allowed, smut encouraged. I chose the humorous route, and I don't think I succeeded.

* * *

"Miss Granger!" Hermione looked up from the parchment on which she was writing an essay. The other students, Gryffindors and Slytherins, looked up as well.  
  
"Detention!" Professor Snape barked.  
  
"But, Professor, I haven't done anything wrong," Hermione stated.  
  
"You breathed, that's reason enough," Professor Snape said, returning to the work on his desk. The Slytherins snickered and quietly voiced their agreement to the potions master's decision and the Gryffindors shook their heads at the injustice and whispered plans of revenge to each other. Hermione sat in shock, still staring at Snape with her quill posed over her essay.  
  
"What the bloody hell is wrong with him?" Ron said.  
  
"Don't worry, Hermione. I'll talk to McGonagall about this," Harry told her.  
  
Hermione shook her head, breaking from her state of shock. "It's alright, Harry. At least he didn't take any points away."  
  
Professor Snape was waiting for Hermione just outside of the Great Hall after supper. She followed him, not to the dungeons as she had anticipated, but to an empty classroom. Opening the door, he stood aside to let her in first and followed her without closing the door. Hermione was surprised to see the former Professor Lupin standing in the middle of the room.  
  
"Hermione, good to see you again," Lupin said, also surprised.  
  
"Miss Granger is here to serve detention," Snape said.  
  
"I understand that I agreed to a favor, Severus, but I don't think I should take over your teaching duties," Lupin said.  
  
"Like you have anything better to do," Snape said, sneering. "Just keep her here for a few hours." Then without a farewell, he swept out of the room and slammed the door behind him.  
  
Unbeknownst to the two inhabitants inside the room, Snape cast a locking spell on the door and quickly turned to face a Muggle girl standing behind him.  
  
"Very good," she purred.  
  
"Is he there?" Snape asked.  
  
"Exactly how you wanted him," she smiled. Snape grinned, for quite possibly the first time in his life with his teeth showing, and bowed his head to her.  
  
"It's been a pleasure doing business with you, Miss-"  
  
"Leech. I don't create it, I just borrow it," she smirked.  
  
"Well, Miss Leech, it's been a pleasure." He then rushed off to his office in the dungeon.  
  
Lying down on Snape's desk, with chains to keep him in place, a gag over his mouth, and several leather ornaments adorning his body, Sirius Black thought to himself, "I'm dead. How the fuck is this possible?!?"  
  
Meanwhile, back in the locked classroom, Lupin and Hermione stood apart from each other, shifting from foot to foot.  
  
"So, um..." Hermione started, trying to break the uneasy silence.  
  
"Yeah," Lupin agreed, lightly pounding his fist against his thigh.  
  
A few more minutes of uneasy silence passed between them before Lupin asked, "What do you like nowadays?"  
  
"Books," she replied. "What do you like?"  
  
"Sex," he said, and when he realized what he said, he quickly corrected himself, "I mean, uh, books. Yes, I like books, too."  
  
"Ah." More silence. "Books about sex?"  
  
"Sometimes."  
  
"Mm."  
  
The silence that followed was almost so silent that Miss Leech, who had changed her name to MarySue, could almost be heard screaming from the Astronomy Tower, where she and Draco Malfoy were fucking each other senseless.  
  
"Can we pretend that conversation was one with a flirtatious intent? I'm afraid I'm a bit rusty in that area," Lupin said.  
  
"I don't see why not," Hermione said.  
  
"Oh, good. Then this will be no surprise." He swooped down on her and kissed her. Within minutes, they were both naked against the wall with Hermione moaning, "Harder, harder!" over and over again.  
  
Snape, in between mouthfuls of Sirius, looked up and said, "The End."


End file.
